The Waiting Game

by Barb Holtan

 

Assessing Your Readiness to Adopt

What your motives Reveal.

 

You’re thinking of adopting a child.  You’re learning as much as you can about the process and the issues.  But, you keep coming back to the same question:  How will I know when I am ready to take this life-changing step?  To answer this question you need to think about why you want to adopt.  Your motives can reveal a lot about readiness.  To help you assess them, I have assembled a variety of motives expressed over the years by families that I have worked wit.  None of these is made-up.  Perhaps you will recognize yourself in one- or several.  Beside each motive, I have offered my opinion or advice regarding the wisdom of such thinking.

 

Barb Holtan is adoption Director, at Tressler Lutheran Services in York, Pennsylvania.  She and her husband are the parents of three children by adoption and two by birth.

 

I want to adopt because:

 

1.        I want a playmate for my birth child.

Hire a neighbor’s child.

2.        My religion tells me to reach out to those less fortunate than I.

Put a big donation in the collection plate next Sunday.

3.        My infertility is a constant sadness.  It hurts terribly.

Infertility is devastating but you must understand that adopting does not cure it.

4.        We are quite well off and can give so many things to a child.

Write a check to your favorite children’s charity.

5.        Our marriage is shaky and a child will bring us back together.

It will never happen.

6.        Since we can’t have birth kids I guess we might as well adopt.

Its a start but you need to get past that notion of second best.

7.        There’s not a difference, anyway, adoptive parenting and birth parenting are the same.  Aren’t they?

NO Neither is better or worse but they are different.

8.        I really want to adopt but my husband is ambivalent.  He’ll come around once the child is ours.

What if he doesn’t?

9.        I feel so empty inside.  A child will fill up that emptiness.

Find a friend.

10.     I just want to cry when I think about all those poor homeless children.  I think I should take one in.

No child needs pity.  Donate to the mission.

11.     There’s absolutely no child that I couldn’t love.

Ouch!  I could show you a few.

12.     I am a teacher (or mental health professional or social worker or doctor) and I am a pro at dealing with children.

Being a child professional is a lot different than being someone’s parent.

13.     All these children really need is a lot of love.

I used to think that too.  I know better now.

14.     I/We just really like kids and want to add one or more to our family.  I want to be someone’s parent.  I know I have a lot to learn but I want to begin.

YES, Go for it, you’re on the right road.

 

 

 

Special Needs Adoptions

 

Children Awaiting Adoption

 

Over 100,000 children await adoption in foster care

 

When we think about adoption, what often comes to mind is a happy young couple with a healthy newborn baby.  but there are over 100,000 children waiting in the foster care system, as well as newborn babies with medical complexities, including HIV-positive status and substance exposure, who need new families.

 

Who are the Children?

 

     These are “children with special needs.”  This term is used to characterize children for whom an adoptive family does not wait, who need special parents, who were once thought “unadoptable,” including children school-age and older, with physical or mental disabilities, with emotional problems due to neglect or abuse, siblings needing to be placed together, and (sometimes) children of color.

 

What are the Requirements?

 

     To find families for children with special needs, agencies have softened criteria for eligible adoptive parents.  Single parents, foster parents, parents with large families, older parents, low-income parents, and parents with disabilities are all encouraged to apply.  Fees are low, and there are some programs to reimburse all fees.

     But special needs adoption is not right for everyone.

Families who have been successful at parenting children with special needs like children, enjoy the challenges of parenting, and:

·         Can handle change and stress

·         Accepts a child with a past and the surprises that brings

·         Have good emotional survival skills

·         Encourage open communication

·         Can cope with rejection and anger without personalizing it

·         Realize that not all problems can be overcome

·         Advocate for their children when necessary

·         Express love and trust

·         Have a sense of humor

     Some special needs adoptions, perhaps 15 percent, end in dissolution.  But of those families, 80 percent say they would adopt again; and most would adopt the same child again it they had better preparation.  Families considering special needs adoption must be realistic, assess their skills and limitations honestly, and make decisions based on the objective evaluation of as much information as they can get.

     Adoptions of children with special needs are most frequently handled by the public adoption agencies, but many private adoption agencies also prepare families and place children with special needs.

 

Is there Financial Help?

 

     Financial assistance is available for many children with special needs, determined by the child’s needs rather than the parent’s.  Every state has subsidy programs.  Many children eligible for state subsidy programs are also eligible for federal assistance and for reimbursements for some one-time expenses.  (Contact AFA for free information on subsidy programs for children with special needs.)

     Subsidy agreements must be in place before the adoption is finalized and can’t be negotiated retroactively (in most cases).  Many families insist on subsidy agreements even if the child does not appear to have the sorts of special needs that would require medical or other expenses.  Counseling can be a subsidized expense, and since every older adopted child has a past, the likelihood for extra emotional health care needs always exists.

     Adoptive parent support groups are considered essential for parents of children with special needs.  Children who have been emotionally scarred may behave in negative ways.  Supportive friends, access to specialized parenting education, and respite services are invaluable.

     With proper support, the vast majority of special needs adoptions are successful.  The satisfaction from being a family for a child who has been dealt a tough hand by life is enormous, say parents who have experienced the joys and challenges of special needs adoption.

 

 

Invaluable Resources

 

Essential books for families considering special needs adoption:

     Adopting the Older Child

     Adoption and the Sexually Abused Child

      Shattered Dreams-Lonely Choices

     A child’s Journey Through Placement

     Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss

See other pages for descriptions of these and other important resources..

 

 

SC Council on Adoptable Children